Short term discomfort for long term gain

I was speaking with a friend, who’s son recently started University. He was telling me how he encouraged his son to get a job, as most of us had done when we were students. As it turns out, working while in school is no longer the norm. It seems that holding a part-time job and attending school adds more mental stress than the average student is able to handle in a healthy way.

Starting in 2009, Universities across Canada have progressively added a fall reading week in October. A trend was noticed that there were more visits to campus counsellors during October and November than any other time of year. Students seem to find this time of year very hard from a mental health standpoint, which is why I I’m writing this article now.

Understandably, the novelty of starting school and meeting new people is waning, while their course load increases and midterms quickly approach. Being away from home, needing to balance a budget, do groceries, prepare meals and wash your own laundry for the first time can quickly feel overwhelming.

The general solution to helping kids and adults address mental health is to “take things off their plate”.  I wonder, if this is the best and only solution?

In this situation, a break in first semester makes sense because there is a break during the second. It allows students the opportunity to buckle down, catch up and do some serious studying with the hopes of a successful semester.  But I’m not sure that this philosophy should be applied to other areas of life. I believe that by taking things off their plate, we are helping them move through the temporary discomfort, but not teaching them how to cope. What will happen when these kids face real life and have multiple stresses thrown at them? By prematurely dismissing the idea of balancing a job and school, we are not even giving kids today a chance to see how much they can manage.

Do you know that there are different type of stress?

Eustress

Stress that results from something exciting such as the preparation for a wedding, a fun trip or a new baby. It’s exciting and we push through because we know something wonderful will be the result.

Short term stress

“Good or short term stress” is temporary. It can stimulate catecholamines (epinephrine and norepinephrine), get your heart pumping and help you feel revved so you can face a challenge or meet a deadline.

Long term stress

“Bad stress” has no apparent end in sight. It affects you physically, mentally and emotionally and is much more complicated than basic problem solving. This type of stress may look like caring for a chronically sick or dying loved one, moving tirelessly through a messy divorce or dealing with chronic bullying at school or in the workplace.

Stress is brought on when you are in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable and can feel worse when the outcome is not within our control.

5 Essential Stress management skills every child needs:

It’s important to support your kids no matter what kind of stress they are experiencing. There is however a significant difference between supporting your child and solving their problems. As parents, it’s important to understand the difference and make it our mission to teach coping strategies from a young age. In this article, I am not talking about deep breathing and meditation as coping. Instead I will be highlighting scoping strategies that blend with life skills:

  1. Problem Solving

When your child comes home with a concern, what is your immediate response? Are you reactive and ready to offer a solution? Do you prompt action or listen silently to hear what they come up with?

Learning to how to solve problems is a skill that requires time and practice. It is very likely that they will make mistakes along the way. This is expected and  completely ok. When you allow your child the space to solve problems (and make mistakes) you are sending the message that they are competent and that you trust that they will figure it out.

Conversely, when parents jump in and (lovingly) solve the problem to alleviate discomfort, children receive the message that they are not capable and they ‘need’ to rely on their  parents for even the smallest problem. This results in young adults with a poor sense of self identity, self confidence and independence.

The conversation with my friend, combined with my thoughts and observations weighed heavily because I am truly concerned about our children’s futures. I decided to reach out to a colleague and friend, Mickey Eves, who is a practicing Empowerment Coach for kids and teens. We talked about important skills and she provided some great tools for parents, which I will share with you. They will help you teach your kids how to move through their discomfort with greater comfort and come out healthier on the other side.

Tool: The help chart

One tool that I love and learned from Mickey Eves is the “Help chart”. This chart will allow your child the space to decide when they need help. Every time they report having a problem, ask them where they would rate it from 1-5 using this chart.

0 there is no problem

1 There is a small problem. I don’t need help

2 There is a problem that is escalating but I am able to manage it

3 There is a problem that I would like to tell you about but I wish for no feedback, advice or judgement,  just a listening ear

4 There is a problem and I would love some feedback

5 There is a problem and I need you to get involved

2. Teaching Consent From an Early Age

When I made the decision to work from my home based clinic, one of the benefits was that I could create a warm, relaxing and welcoming environment. As a Naturopathic Doctor, my role is to address body, mind and spirit. When I ask about stress, it is because mental, physical and emotional health impact each other. Emotional stress can lead to physical concerns- lack of appetite, tension, migraines and gastrointestinal concerns to name just a few. An interesting observation that I have made is that when I am interviewing the kids in my practice, parents often jump in and answer for them. This is an example of how we are disempowering our kids.

In a clinical setting, youth can practice exercising their ability to consent by answering questions that they choose to answer. It also provides the opportunity for your child to decide when they don’t know the answer (and if they want to find out) or when they simply choose not to answer.

How can we expect our kids to consent or decline in serious/uncomfortable situations when we don’t allow them to practice this skill in safe situations? Allowing them the space to practice language such as

“I’m not interested”.

“I’m not comfortable answering that” or “I’m not comfortable doing that”

“Can you explain that again before I consent” or “thank you for explaining that, I don’t consent”.

Consent is critical in many aspects of life. You may consent (or not) to medical or dental care, to a relationship or to getting in a car with a friend. Essentially, it is about teaching your children to do a personal check-in and discern if the choice they are about to make is in line with their moral code and personal philosophy.

3. Healthy Boundaries

The idea of healthy boundaries is an important one that many adults struggle with. To have healthy boundaries you must understand the concept of consent.  Part of having healthy boundaries is knowing when to say no. An individual who can say no will be able to better manage how much is on their own plate. For example, if they say no to picking up an extra shift at work (because they have a test), they are managing their schedule in a planned and conscious manner. This may upset another co-worker, however the individual is learning to protect their own boundaries.

I have had kids come into the clinic feeling so incredibly stressed because a friend is dealing with issues. If uninterrupted, these kids can speak for hours – about someone else’s problems. While this is an example of great compassion, it is also an example of someone whose boundaries are blurred. We need to teach children how to be a sounding board for friends, without taking on their friend’s burdens.

4. Teaching Self-Reliance

Often as parents we ask for help around the house. Sometimes they help and other times they don’t. This can be trying as a parent, because it requires a great deal of consistency to get even the smallest results, right? Asking kids to help around the house actually offers more than a clean load of laundry. Getting your child to help around the house lends to the following skills

1. Self-reliance as an independent adult. By teaching them how to do laundry, balance their bank accounts, make a grocery list and prepare a meal are all basic life skills that kids should have down pat way before they go away to school. Other really important skills that are often overlooked include: making sure your child knows how and when to book a medical, dental and eye appointment, how to check in when they are at their appointment and how to fill a prescription.

2. They are part of a community and that they need to give and take.

3. Opportunity- Time without technology or beings with friends allows them space to notice what is going on in their home, with parents and siblings. This allows them to connect and deepen relationships with family members.

4. Nothing is free, if it doesn’t cost money, it likely costs time and/or energy. When they truly understand this, they will have greater respect for material items, people and our environment.

5. Time Management and Prioritizing

To me, time is the most valuable currency, because no matter how you spend it, you can’t get it back. We need to teach time management the way we (should) teach money. Time should be taught as a finite concept, that needs to be spent in a methodical way. When we teach kids that X amount of money should go towards groceries and Y amount of money should go toward rent etc/, we should also be teaching them that X amount time should go to being in classes and Y amount of time should go to studying and Z amount of time should go to sleeping (and exercise, time with friends and work etc/).

This sounds so basic, however with social media, poor boundaries and a lack of priorities, this basic skill has really become the number one reason that individuals are less productive and more stressed.

Teaching these skills can be formal or informal.

You may start by modelling what certain processes should looks like- whether about money, speaking up to a boss or the pressure of competing for a position. We want kids to know that it’s ok to feel upset, or angry or lonely. By modelling that you are feeling upset and that you just need time to sit with your feelings, you are demonstrating healthy habits and strategies.

It can be really unsettling to feel negative feelings in a world where everything looks great on social media. Self help books tout the importance of achieving happiness and you are taught to think positive thoughts, even when you are upset. All of this lends to a sensation of inauthenticity and being unable to cope… when these feelings are really quite normal. Modelling support and community can come from social engagements with family and friends. Something as simple as thanking your kids or partner for helping with a task can highlight that they are in supportive environment.

Many of our kids (and adults) are petrified of failure. Being able to openly say “I messed up but it’s ok, because this is what I learned” teaches a sense of responsibility, ownership and control in a situation that is suboptimal. It can help your child learn how to reframe the situation, without taking from the authenticity of what happened.

You also want to highlight how to celebrate successes, When something goes well, you can say:

“This went better than I expected and here is why” or

“I achieved my goal today” or

“I faced a fear today”

Without experiencing some failures kids won’t be able to truly appreciate their successes.

Coping skills include deep breathing, meditation and self-care, but they should also include skills that are empowering, affirming and lend to their sense of control.

Feeling successful in day to day activities can help develop a sense of confidence, individuality, and self-reliance. They will have the confidence to manage more, know to ask for help and discern how to best spend their time and energy given the situation at hand.

Most importantly, it will remind kids that true growth is feeling capable and confident even within things aren’t comfortable or perfect.

Special thanks to Mickey Eves for brainstorming with me to offer you these amazing, practical and relevant tools. If you would love to connect with Mickey, she can be emailed at mickey@living-onpurpose.com or you can check her out here: